The second wave

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the main problems with having ADHD are that you can't control concentration and/or you are hyperactive. Worse. Name. Ever.

Not being able to concentrate can be hugely frustrating. It makes you feel annoyed with yourself. It even makes you feel 'less' somehow, compared to those who can just power through tasks from the get-go.

Hyperactivity can be equally annoying - it's embarrassing to have little control over your impulse to chatter away...to be unable to shut up...and to stop interrupting. It can be a nightmare when you brain whirring away stops you from sleeping or keeping focus. 

Then there's the other parts the name doesn't cover...appalling working memory...losing things...getting frustrated...difficulties following through on tasks. There are a million of these. These struggles with executive function are indeed annoying, embarrassing, frustrating. 

For me though, the real damage done by ADHD is, literally, next level. Not being very good at 'normal' stuff is one thing...the fallout of those actions though, and the resultant guilt...that leads to shame. And that's where the real damage is done. 

I'd always thought guilt and shame were synonyms for one another. But they're starkly different, as are their impacts. Guilt is feeling bad for something you've done. We all do bad things sometimes...and then we often feel bad for it. That's healthy. Shame though...shame is what gets you. Shame is a belief system: "I did that bad thing, because I'm a fundamentally bad person. I'm selfish/lazy/arrogant/greedy/useless." And certainly, it doesn't help when it comes with a big fat dollop of confirmation from those around you, who struggle to interpret your ADHD. 

Not being very good at life is a fairly common summary of ADHD's impacts. But it's the cumulation of those impacts where the real damage is done, imo. You can only lose so many passports before you start to think: "What is it with me?!"

And when you start to really think about the answer, you often don't like what you find. 

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