WTF is wrong with you

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the main problems with having ADHD are that you can't control concentration and/or you are hyperactive. Worse. Name. Ever. Not being able to concentrate can be hugely frustrating. It makes you feel annoyed with yourself. It even makes you feel 'less' somehow, compared to those who can just power through tasks from the get-go. Hyperactivity can be equally annoying - it's embarrassing to have little control over your impulse to chatter away...to be unable to shut up...and to stop interrupting. It can be a nightmare when you brain whirring away stops you from sleeping or keeping focus.  Then there's the other parts the name doesn't cover...appalling working memory...losing things...getting frustrated...difficulties following through on tasks. There are a million of these. These struggles with executive function are indeed annoying, embarrassing, frustrating.  For me though, the real damage done by ADHD is, literally, next lev...

"ADHD is your superpower!" No. It really fucking isn't.  Unless of course, I missed the The Incredible Adventures of   Self-loathing Man , or perhaps my local comic book store never stocked the graphic novel Sieve Head - he forgets EVERYTHING. I don't profess to be any kind of expert on ADHD - or neurodiversity more broadly - but from what I can gather, some studies (or limited scope and sample size) might point to certain areas where some people with ADHD appear to display an aptitude for certain skills around problem solving and creativity, perhaps a few other things. Hardly conclusive, even to a science dolt like me.  Let's not call a spade a carbon-based deposit relocation device. More often than not, ADHD sucks. It's an impairment...a disorder. We all know it. For every area in which it might help, there are half a dozen where it blows. Being half-decent at the guitar is kinda nice, but I'd swap it for not being a binge eater...for not having a ch...

 "So, I can tell you, that you do meet the criteria for ADHD." Well, fuck. That wasn't my actual reply, but it might as well have been.  I wasn't ready for that .  Let's rewind a bit... When my therapist asked whether I'd ever been tested for ADHD, I was pretty sure I didn't have it. Even though I didn't really know what it was. My wife agreed. And as a highly experienced teacher, who had inevitably come across a lot of neurodiverse kids, she'd know, right? Of course, my therapist was extremely professional about it. She was very careful to clarify that she was not making any kind of diagnosis and there was no requirement to further investigate it. I should do whatever made me feel most comfortable.  There was some initial reticence. I wasn't sure I could take another body blow at that time. For months I'd been sleeping for an average of four hours a night. I was scraping through each day at work, I was in grief and my mental health was in ...

One of the lowest points in my life was last autumn (2025). The thoughts got very dark. And I couldn't tell anyone. I kept it all in. I held my breath and pushed forward with life. People had no idea. When I needed a release, I'd lock myself in the bathroom, shove a towel in my mouth to muffle my gagging cries from my family. My daughter would see my red eyes afterwards and ask me whether I was sad, and I'd explain that my hayfever was terrible.  The trigger to things spilling out was a Teams call with a colleague. I knew she'd ask that question. It was inevitable: "Hiya...you alright?" And that broke me.  It was very clear that I wasn't. I explained a topline version of what had been going on - grief for a father figure, my sister's cancer diagnosis, limerence, trying to work out WTF is wrong with me etc.  I'd recently started journalling and asked her if she'd mind reading it. It was incredibly personal, but I wanted someone's independen...

So, we know ADHD is genetic, right? At least, I think we do. After reading Gabor Mate's seminal work Scattered Minds , I'm not entirely sure what the cause is. But regardless, the widely agreed view - with a few notable exceptions - is that ADHD is with you from birth.  When I went for diagnosis last year, one of the key pieces of evidence they requested was the view of someone who'd known me since I was a child. I refused. I wasn't ready to tell my parents at that stage, and my sister was battling breast cancer, so had more important things to worry about. And there just wasn't anyone else.  So, I told the assessor myself. About the blurting things out in class, rarely ever finishing any pieces of work, about the emotional dysregulation, about every school report that said I should grow a thicker skin. About the stealing from my father, from family friends, the shoplifting. About the copious and compulsive lying. About the time I flushed my mother's engagement...

Last week I told people I have ADHD. And by people, I mean pretty much everyone in my entire freaking life. I was already ‘out’ at work. I found it easier to tell people in my professional network than I did my loved ones (yeah, on that, I feel a blog coming on…). At work, we have Employee Resource Groups – volunteers who come together to champion a particular cause they’re passionate about (Race & Ethnicity, LGBTQ+ and disability etc). In an attempt to channel my energies into something positive, I signed up to our disability ERG. (Wait, I’m ‘disabled’?!? That’s definitely for another blog.) So, I joined a committee, spoke at a panel event, hosted a seminar – I was an advocate. Literally and metaphorically, I wore the T-shirt. It helped me connect with others in the neurodiverse universe, but without intruding into my real life. At home? I’d told my wife, my sister and my brother-in-law, plus a couple of old school friends who weren’t in my everyday life. But for severa...